And where, you may ask, have I been? Well, its been a harrowing week. I went to visit some friends, you see. There's no point lying about it - They're total pigs. But at least they're not chauvinists, that's something, right?
Anyway, I thought I'd go see these friends of mine - I won't name them, due to the ongoing legal case - since I'd been a while. They had a nice enough house, although it was made of straw. Unfortunately, after a barely tolerable cup of tea and a biscuit, said house was blown down by a deranged wolf, intent on consuming the occupants. Despite my explanation I was just visiting, the wolf - attempting to cover his would-be crime - determined to consume me too, at which point a short adventure involving another collapsing house occurred.
We soon arrived at my third pig-based friend's home, which he had wisely constructed out of material a wolf could not blow down. However, said wolf continued his quest, climbing onto the roof and sliding down the chimney like a hairy Santa. In self defence, the pigs boiled him alive in a pot of water, placed strategically at the bottom of the chimney.
Wolves, of course, are an endangered species, and it looks like the pigs are going to jail. I've spent the week in and out of court, testifying on their behalf. It's been a trying time, and I wish I'd invested in some bacon-flavoured mayonnaise now...