Saturday, 31 January 2009

Local News, volume 2

A local man has been arrested following what the police describe as a "lewd incident" involving lettuce. Thomas Payne, 35, was discovered to have reveled himself in the self-service salad bar of a local restaurant, before hiding his genitalia in the lettuce. Staff noticed this irregularity after it became obvious he was the only person using the salad bar at all. He has pleaded guilty and been charged with 6 months community service.

Mcgintety's Tavern is closed for the foreseeable future after a mishap at the regular karaoke contest. Eyewitnesses report that Sergent Collins of the Sûreté - whom appears to have consumed 7 litres of Tia Maria - took a contestant's rendition of "I shot the Sheriff" to be a murder confession and attempted to arrest him. While the situation was resolved quickly, it appears Collins had already radioed for assistance, and armed police officers raided the building. One man suffered a broken leg, and a sheep was arrested for flouting the smoking ban.

On a more positive note, The Award Winning Happy Diner will be reopening this week. The management can guarantee that all dishes are now seagull-free

Friday, 30 January 2009

Miss the good ol' days?

Then never fear, I'm hear to help! Remember the Victorian era, when men were polite, women quiet and children stuffable up chimneys? Well, those days can exist again!
In the troubled economic climate we're living in, wouldn't you like to employ a few child labourers in your low paying factory? Sure, they're not as physically strong as polish immigrants, but they're small and learn fast. Also, they won't retaliate or strike if you beat them! Buy 10 child slaves and get an 11th free! Also come with your choice of delightfully quaint Dickensian costume! Pay off workers, destroy the minimum wage, mistreat children!
Why do people always talk about the past as if it was great?

Saturday, 24 January 2009

Local News!

Following the resignation of the Chief Judge, Father Hudson, there will be no scrabble tournaments for the foreseeable future. Jeff Hudson has been adjudicating at the popular local event for almost 20 years, but recently began confiding in friends that he no longer got the same joy from the activity. Mr. Hudson, 49, has blamed his decision on the number of young people who have recently began using the scrabble letters to form rude and offensive words and phrases, and claimed last weeks fracas - where a fight broke out between John Thompson and Mayor Calum Goldridge after Thompson apparently accidentally spelled out "Mayor fat and ineffective" on the board - as the reasons behind his resignation. however, sources close to Hudson suggest his alleged addiction to communal wafers may have influenced his choice to go.
The scrabble committee is now on the lookout for a new judge.

Congratulations to Bernard Coolidge, 33, who has recently been seen around town sporting a handsome moustache. Coolidge said he was inspired to grow the facial masterpiece after enjoying a Poirot marathon with his wife Julie, 29, and tortoise Ken.

In a dramatic drugs raid last week, the police arrested local cocaine Baroness Gloria Stevens. Stevens, a grandmother of 7, attempted to flee, but was captured when police cut the electricity to her coke den, trapping her on her StairMaster. Despite a fierce fight, where 3 police officers were injured, the geriatric criminal was restrained and taken to the local police station. She is to appear in court next Thursday.

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

I had a dream about loft insulation. It didn't seem to keep any heat in, but it's all right.

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

My local Blythswood has a great range of lead children's toys. Because that's what parents want in toys.

They also had a one-eyed wully dug. It was incredibly sad.

Thursday, 15 January 2009

My task for the year

Inspired by Dave Gorman's "Are you Dave Gorman?" by Dave Gorman - in which Dave Gorman finds other people called Dave Gorman - and my friend Craig Forbes' English talk in 3rd year - where he talked about other people called Craig Forbes - I've decided to find out about some other Paul Blanchards. Should any be rich, I've decided to impersonate them.

I've often found that a problem with impersonating people is being 'caught out' when you are referred to by your persona. For example, I recently tried to stay in a B&B for free by impersonating Christian Bale. Unfortunately, as I was going up the stairs to my room, the receptionist addressed me as "Mr Bale" several times, and my lack of response and eventual confusion when she caught up with me - coupled by the fact I'm a short fat guy and don't look like Christian Bale - led to me being identified as a fraud.

So, I should be able to avoid this pitfall by impersonating people with the same name as me. This, coupled with charisma and confidence, should cover my probable lack of similarities to my new alter-ego.

So, let's look at the contestants:

First up is Paul Blanchard, seen here receiving an award from PETA:

Paul is a Labour councillor for York, and lives with his wife Heather and dog Sweep. He seems a nice enough chap from his website: In favour of an appointed monarchy, and a secular humanist, and supporter of Dying with Dignity - all ideas I agree with, so impersonating him on an ideological idea might not be so hard. However, I imagine his wife and dog may see through my disguise. However, a strong contender.
Find out more at:

The next potential impersonee, found using a google search, is Paul Blanchard. Paul is unfortunately me, as the next link is my Bebo page. Paul is also a strong contender, as I would have to do very little to impersonate him. However, it rather takes the point out of the process.

3rd is Paul Blanchard. Paul is an expert in intellectual property law, with an emphasis on trade mark counselling and litigation, product labelling and advertising, technology transfers and licensing, food and drug regulations, access to information, and trade secrets. He became a registered Trade Mark Agent in 1980. He lives in Ontario, Canada. Unfortunately, Paul does not seem a strong contender - I have no legal experience, and don't live in Canada. However, I wish him good luck in the contest. Find out more at:

So, without further ado, it's time to announce the winner, whom I will impersonate from this day onwards. And that winner is... Paul Blanchard! Commiserations to our other contestants, Paul and Paul, and good luck in future!

Official Vegetable Shop Opening!

Yes, that's right! My new Vegetable Shop will be opening next Monday!??!??!!!! Come down to see me, Crazy Tom, as I boldly begin a new business venture!!! If you're with the press, please don't ask about the rumours concerning why my Fish Shop had to close. For the record, there is no truth in the rumours involving caviar and my underwear!!!!>!!!! I'm not that craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy!!!!!!

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

"Get someone to help? No way, I don't want to pay 15 quid for some Koreans to get their greasy hands all over my TV and know where I live!"
"Does it make a difference where they're from?" I asked, preparing myself for the worst.
"No... come on, we can do this."
I returned to watching Max attempt to fit a 32" plasma screen into the boot of his Nissan Micra. Slowly, the TV slipped from his hands and fell onto his feet, before exploding into flames. As we appraised the situation, a small crowd of Korean shop assistants gathered to laugh.
"What now?"
"Well..." Max replied, "I suppose it's back to sneaking into family cars with portable DVD players if I want to watch Disney films."
"Fine, but I'm not coming to get you when you end up in Islington."
As long as he didn't end up trying to eat dogs in alleyways again. It wasn't like he couldn't afford a TV.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

I've just seen a lovely banner wishing me a Happy New Year...

On a website, accompanied by one of those random, content associated adverts asking "When're YOU going to die?"
It would seem the Internet wants rid of me...

Monday, 5 January 2009

Several remakes of classic movies I'm currently working on

Snakes on a Bus:
A tense thriller in which a British secret service agent must defend the Queen of England when a picnic-hamper of poisonous snakes are let loose on the Double Decker bus she is travelling on.

Conan The Barbarian; New Beginnings:
Following the introduction of several adult learning facilities in Cimmeria, Conan begins studying for a degree in business and fashion so he can achieve his dream of opening a shoe outlet. Watch the trials and tribulations as Conan attempts to master the use of words and numbers to solve problems! Laugh as he cuts off the head of the obnoxious student living next door to him, and share in his joy as he successfully buys a lamp!

Set in a remote Scottish Village during the Winter of 2007, this film sees a man choose between the woman he loves and the television. No kilts feature, nor is there any resemblance to the original film.

High Tea of the Dead:
Someone finally asks why the zombies are so intent on eating brains. Stumped, the zombies apologise for their boorish behaviour, attributing it to low self-esteem caused by their bodies decaying. The two factions are reconciled, and families are reunited with their deceased loved ones.

Sunday, 4 January 2009

"Tim? Oh, i remember him. What was that hobby he used to have?" Max asked from the passenger seat.
"Well..." I replied, "He used to stick a hollow cucumber skin over his penis and hide in the vegetable isle in Tesco. It was unfortunate really. Cucumber are a fruit, for one thing.
"And remember his shrunken head collection? 'They're just potatoes', you'd say - just little potatoes, sure he's drawn a face on that one, and stuck googly eyes and some straw on another - But you were certain they were potatoes. And that was fine, up until you cut one up and tried to put butter in it. Then everyone needed counselling!"
"Yes... true." Replied Max, "So he's Archbishop of Canterbury now?"
"No." I sighed. "He's in jail, apparently he molested a goat. On it's Birthday. There's a difference, I understand."

Friday, 2 January 2009

They say a picture paints a thousand words.
I drew eight and submitted them as a history dissertation.
It will soon be the end of the Christmas season. With New Year over, all I have to look forward to is the day when my father stops wearing his Christmas pullovers like the cover of a Matt Monro album and mum stops announcing things that happened in old films as if they're today's news.
They've sunk the Bismarck, dontcha know?

Thursday, 1 January 2009

I have several Easter Eggs left over from Easter. They would make perfect gifts for this year, so if you're interested in buying them, give me a call!

Happy New year!...

Well, 2008 is over. What a year. They say life's like a ship, and that was never more apparent than last year. It had it's high points and low points, like a boat riding the tides, and more than it's fair share of barnacles on it's undersides. Yes, like a bird. It swooped and glided through the air like a Golden Eagle, swooping on unsuspecting puppies and eating them, before being illegally poached. Indeed, life is like an onion - you peel of the layers, sometimes you cry, then you put it in soup. That was what 2008 was like.

If you were expecting a joke about seamen and poop decks, you should feel disappointed with yourself.
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