Happy new year...

Well, it's a new year again. Instead of some tacky chart showing all the merry, happy things that happened to me last year (there were none), I thought I'd give you a timeline of the history of your brilliant species, humanity. Or something.

• 4,000 B.C - God creates the earth, heavens,space and dinosaur bones. This comes as a great shock to the advanced people of Mesopotamia. God also creates the first two human beings, not to be confused with the 7 million who are already alive. 
• 0 - Jesus is(n't) born (yet). He spreads a message of peace and love, before being crucified. In a typical religious manner, his simple lessons of love are interpreted as directions for 2,000 years of genocide. The same can be said for the works of John Lennon.
• 1889 - Hitler is born. He will forever be remembered for sparking an interest in the WW2 sub-genre of films, novels and computer games.
• 1957 - Stephen Fry is born. He is often looked upon more favourably than Hitler, but had yet to be played by Charlie Chaplin in a film.
• 1979 - Earth is ravaged by the Apocalypse. It goes largely unnoticed
• 1990 - I am born. I accomplish mild fame in the field of romantic fiction for bears, before dying in obscurity on a lunar prison colony.
• 2042 - Due to a transporter accident, Stephen Fry's cryogenically-frozen body is transported back in time, to the early 20th century. His adventure is popularised in a film starring Charlie Chaplin.
• 2151 - Earth is all but destroyed by a Martian invasion. This blog, and several cookbooks offering conflicting nutritional information, survive. They are used as an inspiration for the 10,000 survivors of Earth as they rebuild the species near Shropshire.