No more adventures in time and space...

So, I've gone back and smashed the time machine. Almost everything has gone back to normal. Max, unaware that time ever changed, has returned to his life's work - his erotic version of the Lord of the Rings (entitled, masterfully, "The Lord of the Rings, with Lots of Sex") which revolves mainly around his misunderstanding of everyone being after Frodo's ring...
 For my part, I've returned to the drudgery of my life as a housewife, or whatever I'm meant to have done. However, as I said, almost everything is back to normal: I seem to have gathered a flock of children, claiming to be mine from a different timeline. Dressed in rags and caked in filth and poverty, they insist I'm their father and have to look after them. Ah, what adventures me and my children of multiple ethnicities will get up to...

Adventures in time and space, part 3

Max messed with the time toaster machine thing again. He's gone too far this time, changing the world enormously. Outside, a giant cat is roaming the streets of London, lecturing passers-bye on the Capital Gains tax, and trying to acquire muffins. Vikings, confused by modern technology, have become trapped in Double-Decker buses across the country, and short men are being forced to grow moustaches at an incredible rate. Through all of this, Max sits at my kitchen table, muttering about how all he wanted was a slice of toast. I too want some toast, and feel these time-travel shenanigans have gone on too long.
 At first dawn, I intent to create a paradox and travel back to my basement last week, to destroy my toaster once and for all, and avoid this whole series of events.
 While I'm there though, I'll probably disguise myself and rob Max...

Adventures in time and space, part 2

"We could go and shove Stephen Hawkins!"
 "No." I replied, "That would be in bad taste. Besides, I like the man: remember when he taught you the value of friendship?"
 "Fine." Max replied, "But we've got a time machine, we should really be messing with more physicists."
With that, Max grabbed our time-travelling, Simpsons-inspired toaster and vanished into the either. Reappearing 16 seconds later, he looked incredibly smug.
 "I've given you rabies!" He laughed smugly. Trying to ignore his smugness, I asked how and why.
 "Time travel! And dogs!" He replied smugly. I don't really know how that statement deserved any smugness, it wasn't really and answer.
 I think I might bite him...

Adventures in time and space... Part 1

Following the apparent success of the time machine in scientific tests (Max sticking his hand in it), we have concluded that time travel is both safe and not unsafe. Indeed, over the last hour - at least, the last hour for you - Max and I have travelled to several historical events; the sacking of Rome, Max's failed first marriage to Anne of Cleves, the sacking of Rome again, (where we didn't see ourselves) and our local Woolworths store back before it closed down. These trips have all been a roving success: we even bought a lawn-chair from Woolworths, and a rampaging barbarian from Rome.
 However, my longstanding fear of damaging the space-time continuum appears to have been worth it's longstandingness, as rips in space have appeared across the living room, upsetting the goldfish and scaring my visiting grandmother, who dropped her tea. Determined not to let a drop of tea go unavenged, Max and I have launched war on Space and Time, intent on destroying the tyrannical rule of the laws of physics. We've already given Newton a good kicking...

Time memorial

"So, how was time travelling then?"
 Ok, an expositional question it's true, but I genuinely asked it. Well, not really, this blog is mainly one big lie. But anyway, in the confines of my fictional mad brain world, I genuinely asked this question. Of Max. Who, for some reason, had been left alone with the time machine.
 "Well," Max replied. "I went to the future. You know Robocop?"
 "Yea"
 "Well, it was nothing like that. All their cops were organic, like now. Except a few of them were grown from corn, I think. Organic corn."
 "Oh." I replied.
 "Yea." He continued, "And they gave me these pills. Want one?"
I looked at the for-offered pills. If my street-smarts were to be trusted, they were ecstasy. I wondered if Max had been to the future at all. Noticing the long glance I was taking at the pills, he too looked down.
 "Oh, sorry." He withdrew the pills, "Those are for the cat. Here: these are the ones!"
These pills looked more futuristic, I'll grant you: they were chrome.
 "What do they do?" I asked tentatively.
 "Well, have you ever wanted to have diarrhea and constipation simultaneously?" Max replied.
I took the pills, and hid them in my pocket. Maybe they'll come in useful one day. In all likelihood though, I'll just forget about them...

Toaster Troubles

I took another look at the toaster. Max had been right to fetch me from the desert; it was well and truly buggered. Knowing we couldn't go back to the electronics store after Max first insulted then embarrassed himself in front of the Korean workforce, I decided I would try to repair the kitchen appliance. Dragging the broken husk into my basement workshop, which has just appeared from nowhere to meet the requirements of this story, I got to work. Max, watching over my shoulder, offered occasional gasps of shock or fear when appropriate.
 After about 2 hours, we stood back to appreciate my work. Lacking basic electronics skills as I do had made the task somewhat difficult. However, I think I may have accidently made the world's first working time machine. I've already sent Max back in time a week, to steal my toaster from my home before he broke it.
 I wonder what effect all of this will have on the space-time continuum?