Saturday, 31 January 2009

Local News, volume 2

A local man has been arrested following what the police describe as a "lewd incident" involving lettuce. Thomas Payne, 35, was discovered to have reveled himself in the self-service salad bar of a local restaurant, before hiding his genitalia in the lettuce. Staff noticed this irregularity after it became obvious he was the only person using the salad bar at all. He has pleaded guilty and been charged with 6 months community service.

Mcgintety's Tavern is closed for the foreseeable future after a mishap at the regular karaoke contest. Eyewitnesses report that Sergent Collins of the Sûreté - whom appears to have consumed 7 litres of Tia Maria - took a contestant's rendition of "I shot the Sheriff" to be a murder confession and attempted to arrest him. While the situation was resolved quickly, it appears Collins had already radioed for assistance, and armed police officers raided the building. One man suffered a broken leg, and a sheep was arrested for flouting the smoking ban.

On a more positive note, The Award Winning Happy Diner will be reopening this week. The management can guarantee that all dishes are now seagull-free

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