I'm shopping

The snow was pelting down, and I was on a desperate shopping trip to buy Max something for Christmas. Nothing... Sticky this year, I've learned my lesson.

This isn't what I was going to buy...
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"Cards! Lots and Lots of Cards!" The sign boldly proclaimed. Well, I thought hopefully, this looked like the right kind of place to buy a Christmas card, at least. That would be one thing done, and so early in the trip! Smiling at how smart I was - buying a Christmas Card all by myself - I headed into the almost empty store. Crossing the threshold, I became aware of a loop of cheers and whoops, a short audio recording repeating over and over again. Confetti was showering from the ceiling, and a banner had unfurled before me.

 "Congratulations!" I began, "You're in our store. There are no prizes."

I looked at the young sales assistant at the desk.

 "Why... Do you have this?"

 "I'm sorry, it's store policy. Apparently, it makes customers happy."

 "Does... Does it work?" I asked feebly.



 "Well," he replied sheepishly, "For a few seconds. Then they realise they've not won anything. And then, of course, Tim makes a disparaging remark about their appearance. Store policy, you see. Actually... Better wake him!"

 I watched as the assistant reached under the counter and fetched a broom. Reaching out with the broom, he began to poke an elderly figure sleeping in the corner of the store. He was an odd-looking fellow, lanky - if such a word can be used on the elderly - and who looked a little like Shaggy from Scooby Doo, if he was 60 and wearing a shirt.
  "Whut? Wuu..." He scream-mumbled, "You're... you are fat and ugly. Merry Christmas!"

I left the store. I did not, you may have guessed, buy a Christmas Card. I might go back next year. With any luck, Tim'll be dead by then...