Friday, 17 December 2010

Colm: A portrait in urine.

SAN FRANCISCO - AUGUST 21:  A Burger King Whop...
They're salted with people,
you know...Image by
Getty Images via @daylife

Picture a man. Let us call him... Colm. For no particular reason. He's not Colm Meaney though -  not everyone can be Chief O'Brien. Colm has a problem, you see - his bladder is rather full. Standing, as he is, near a Burger King, he chances an opportunity to relieve himself of his heavy burden in a manner largely acceptable in society. However, the restroom inside his Kingly sighting offers some resistance to his plan; a large warning notice affixed near the entrance, bearing the ominous warning: "For Customer's Only!"
 But our intrepid hero fears not such notices, nor their misuse of the apostrophe. He strikes out, putting one foot in front of the other, and surreptitiously enters the dining establishment. There's a queue forming for the counter, stretching back to near the door, and he thinks his entrance is unnoticed. Besides, who cares that much?

  Passing the waiting customers and busy staff with an expression of determination, he slips into the lavatories. Concluding his business, he departs, hands washed and food unpurchased. Returning home, where he inexplicably lives with an old guy in the future, he thinks little of his escapades - he got away with his crime, and having not been punished, he lets the incident slip from mind. Soon, all matters leave his head as he falls into a deep, blissful sleep. Never to be awoken...

  In the early hours of twilight, they come for him. Burger King security staff, huge, meat-filled heads filled with only two thoughts - meat and punishment! Having reviewed the security footage, having seen poor Colm enter and leave without purchasing, they have accessed the local security cameras. Ancient organisations, cabals established to this very end, they track his movements through the city, determined to teach our young urinator a powerful lesson.

  The morning rises anew, but with shocking similarities to the previous day. One new feature arises with the dawn however, a new item on the menu at your local Burger King; the Soylent Green Burger.

  Remember people; don't pee and not buy, or it could be YOU next!
  (No. Not really. Go pee somewhere, then don't buy something, and see what happens. For the sake of common decency, please let that location be a toilet; I won't take responsibility if you pee on a box of cereal or a tramp)
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