Monday, 6 June 2011

The Hungry Human Caterpillarcede. Or something. Who cares?

Yea, he looks cute and shit, but he's made of people!
 Imagine loads of Danny DeVitos sewn together.
Is that what you want your kids to see?
Image via Wikipedia
Following the tragic, terrible, sad news that the BBFC would not be classifying The Human Centipede II, I thought I'd explain how I imagine the plot playing out for you all.

First, imagine the book The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Now, replace the caterpillar with a centipede, that's step one. Thanks to the magic of wikipedia, I will now recreate the plot: 



  • The book starts with an egg on a leaf. Here, replace "Egg on a leaf" with the normal manner of the birth of a human centepide - the sewing together, mouth to anus, of 3 people. Now since this is a sequal, image an additional 2 people being added to this process. And a giraffe.
  • The tiny caterpillar emerges and looks for food. The large beast emerges from a lab and looks pitiful. Really, really pitiful...
  • On consecutive days, the caterpillar eats through a single red apple, two (green) pears, three (purple) plums, four strawberries, and five oranges, which takes us from Monday to Friday. Here, imagine the poor centipede thing looking pitiful again. And the guy that did this being mad.
  • Saturday: the caterpillar eats its way through many different foods: chocolate cake, ice-cream, a pickle, Swiss cheese, salami, a lollipop, a cherry pie, a sausage, a cupcake, and a slice of watermelon. The caterpillar develops a tummy ache as a result of eating all this food. Ok, who gave these foods to a caterpillar? Seriously... Anyway, imagine the centipede still having a pretty shit time of it all.
  • Sunday: the caterpillar eats through a single leaf, which makes the caterpillar feel better. The centipede begins to die from an infection. Because, you know, people aren't meant to live like this.
  • The now big caterpillar forms a cocoon (the term for a moth Pupa is substituted under Poetic license). I should really delete the hyperlinks I copied on mass, but I can't really be bothered. Anyway, more shit happens at this point.
  • On the final pages the caterpillar is now a 'beautiful' butterfly. The front and back 2 members of centepede II are dead, leaving the middle member to die blind and alone with poo in her mouth. Such is the cruelty of nature.
Well, there you have it. It makes me sick that that's what people consider a suitable children's book these days. No, wait a second, I wrote that, didn't I? To be honest, I don't think my plot is as graphic or disturbing as it should be. I'm sorry I failed you. I'll go sew my mouth to someone's anus as a punishment.


Update: I've just read the synopsis for the sequel, which "tells the story of a man who becomes sexually obsessed with a DVD recording of the first film and who imagines putting the ‘centipede’ idea into practice. Unlike the first film, the sequel presents graphic images of sexual violence, forced defecation, and mutilation, and the viewer is invited to witness events from the perspective of the protagonist. Whereas in the first film the ‘centipede’ idea is presented as a revolting medical experiment, with the focus on whether the victims will be able to escape, this sequel presents the ‘centipede’ idea as the object of the protagonist’s depraved sexual fantasy." So essentially, it's just a documentary about me then?

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1 comment:

Lauren said...

That movie. I saw the end, no pun intended. My husband was watching it, so that he had a point of reference for the South Park episode that satirized it. It was horrifying. I intend to miss the end of the sequel.

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