For Neil, a truly pretentious reply to make me look like an asshole.




A picture of a letter, Image via Wikipedia.
I know, I know. But I like to use pictures now...

 So, as you'll all know, here at Dog in the Water Pipe offices, I spend night and day fillling through a huge pile of fan mail. As such, I'm going to publish one such piece. This letter, by virtue of being the only letter I've actually received, has secured a place in my heart as my favourite piece of correspondence.
 By the same logic, it's also the most hate-worthy, anti-Semitic, cow-raping letter I've ever seen. But that's besides the point. So read on, gentle reader:

 Dear Mr Paul
                      Since choosing to follow your Twitter, I have lately become intrigued by the nature of your blog. However, I completely fail to understand the topic matter. For instance, where does Mr. Potato come in? Who or what is Max? Why do none of the posts seem to make any sense?!

 I hope you can help me understand by clarifying some of these issues, so that I may continue to read it and actually understand what is going on!

Yours,

You see, the problem here is that my reader - whom I shall refer to as "Neil" from now on - is under the misapprehension that my blog is actually the thought-out writings of a sane individual. Now, I'm not saying that my writings are without purpose - once, I think someone laughed out of sympathy at them, and if a laptop were to be opened on my blog, then folded over the head of a tramp, it would provide some shelter from the elements. However, I feel I have been neglecting my loyal reader, so please have some answers:

1.  Where does Mr. Potato come in? Mr. Potato was an idea I had in the shower. You see, that probably doesn't satisfy you. You were probably looking for an in-depth analysis of Mr. Potato's symbolism of the Peruvian proletariat. Mr. Potato does not represent anything - he is a potato, imbued with certain characteristics common to humans, who happens to have a deep, burning hatred for Peruvians. My original post for Mr. Potato, I'll admit, did look at the differences in his overall character compared to what we take away from studying him - Mr. Potato was a good man in general: he loved his family, cared for preserving buildings of historical interest, and supported various charities. If we met him running a tiny charity shop and talked to him for a while about his home life, we would think him a sweet, kind man. However, if we mentioned Peruvians, we would see an angry, hate-filled man twisted by an anger the source of which is unidentifiable to us. So perhaps Mr. Potato is an examination of the duality of man, and of how our perceptions of an individual are shaped by certain events and ideas, rather than the course of a man's life. Or maybe I just wanted to draw a racist potato.
2. Who or what is Max? Max is the comic foil to my straight-man persona. It's a common, over-used literary technique - he does something stupid, which elicits a humerous response. My character then shows up the flaws of this stupid deed, and more humour arises. Basically, the very existence of Max should have you crying tears of laughter all across the large carpet of your bedroom, which I've been in when you were out, your entrails spilling out of your sides, which have split with laughter.
3. Why do none of the posts seem to make sense? Well, don't really know how to answer this question in a pretentious manner. They don't make sense because they don't. Often, they're ideas I have when bored and write about. Usually, I just write then on the spur of the moment, half-heartily spellcheck them, then publish them. This is probably why they don't make any sense. There is no great purpose that I'm building up to, no political agenda being pushed most of the time, no demands for the sacrifice of my readers' first-born children

So there, I hope that's managed to clear things up for you, because it certainly hasn't for me.