People often ask me...

Is Elvis really dead? Yes, I reply. Even if he didn't die in 1977, he would be 74 next year - not at all an impossible age to reach, but an unlikely one for a man who not only has(had):
(a)severe health problems, a history of drug abuse and was grossly overweight
but also (b) died 31 years ago. However, there are many conflicting ideas.
Firstly, Kirsty MacColl sings that There's A Guy Works Down The Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis, in the song of the same name. People often propose to me that this was not a lie, as implied by the song, but that MacColl was IN FACT Elvis!
I retort that she was born in 1959, and a history of her life for the 18 years before Elvis' death exist, making it all but impossible for them to be the same person. Even if it was true, MacColl tragically died in 2000, so this argument only supports my claim.
Other theories proposed to me suggest that on his death-bed(toilet...), he did not in fact die, was was taken by a golden light and ascended unto heaven. I severely doubt this, but I suppose it's up to you to decide what it is YOU believe.

Next week:
Bigfoot! Real live monster, or hairy tramp who stole my briefcase on a crowded train in London?
Yes, probably neither...