The interviews continued...

Like the X-factor from hell... Well, like the X-factor if it was from a worse hell... I continued to receive auditions from people wishing to replace Max. Even setting aside the issue of how these people knew about Max, and why they would audition for the role of someone's friend, the process wasn't going well.
 The skinhead in the vest had turned out just to be a big racist. I wasn't surprised. He possessed no interesting or redeeming features, just a burning hatred of the Aztec people. The second candidate - the vampire-pirate - was also unexpectedly boring. Being a vampire, of course, he couldn't go out in the day, or enter water. As a pirate, of course, he was expected to spend his days on top of a ship in the water. So he had obtained a job with Her Majesty's Customs and Revenue department, while keeping his cultural identity by dressing as a twat.
 The faux-blind man turned out to be the most interesting, purely on the grounds that his dog savaged me and stole my wallet. I shall not be considering either for the role of Max. I sometimes miss him, but then I remember everything.

There's still no sign of Max...

But I keep seeing shadowy figures from the corner of my eye - black cars parked on street corners, suited men watching me from cafes and smoothie bars, strange fat kids attempting to skateboard even though they clearly lack the skill or dexterity, and so on. Still smarting from my last, tattoo-based encounter with Max's possible abductors, I've decided to cut my loses and look for a replacement cliched foolish sidekick friend.
 (Ah, the old strikethrough trick. Never gets old.)

I took another look across my living room. The assembled cast left something to be desired: a fat alsatian sat on my priceless rug, a family heirloom inherited from my grandmother. On his face, a look that said: "I'm not incontinent. Yet". Attached to the dog by way of a lead was a large, hairy man wearing a pair of dark glasses. Despite the impression he clearly knew he was creating, he appeared quite capable of sight, and was right now devouring a magazine with his eyes. Beside him, a large skinhead in a vest. The third candidate for my replace Max competition appeared to be a pirate. I smiled politely as I caught his eye, and he grinned back, revealing the fact he was also, apparently, a vampire. My smile wained, and I headed back into my office, ready to interview the first applicant.
 I don't really have an office. I was the toilet. I was making them sit in the hall. I just wanted to impress you all, and not let you know I take strange men into my bathroom.

Sitting down (yes, on the toilet. But I threw some drapes over it and put a cushion on the seat to make it homely) I prepared to interview the candidates.

(Image stolen from devepxp)