The rain falls hard on a humdrum town

Keithe, a plumber.
Image via MK Wiki

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 This town has dragged you down. Oh, the rain... Well, you get the point. Outside, rain fell from the skies, as is customary in such occasions, cutting the air open and bombarding my azaleas. A woodpecker, bedazzled by nature in all her finery, staggered through the air and rounded the corner of my house. Man versus nature is an old tale; an unwinnable battle that neither of us can win. Except  me. I've written an advert, you see.

 Actually, you probably don't see. That's fair enough; after all, I was talking in a somewhat cryptic fashion. Forgive me please, dear reader. I have appealed, you must understand, for an intervention. I've called for a deity to help me against the weather. Through the classified ads in my local paper.


The doorbell rang. You're probably shocked, loyal readers, that it didn't ring at the start of this tale. That's what usually happens around here. I answered, it would be rude not to.


 There was a man on the doorstep. There always is. 7 foot tall, pale and dressed in white robes with blue vest and cape. A coolie hat sat upon his head, the brow hanging above his glowing, blue eyes.


 "Hey, I'm Keith. I'm here about your water problem." he stated matter-of-factly


 "Keith? You're Raiden, aren't you? From Mortal Kombat? You're Raiden the Thunder God."


 "Nah, you must be thinking of someone else." He replied. "Keith, Keith McGregor. I'm a plumber"


 "Ok then, how'll you stop the rain then? If you're just a plumber, and not a thunder god?"


 "Ah, you've got me there!" Raiden replied. "I'm actually Raiden, from the Mortal Kombat series."


 "Yea," I replied. "I said that earlier. Now would you please stop the rain?"


 "Nah, can't do that mate." He replied. "I can just do lightning-based things. I can teleport too. Want to go and get some pizza or something?"


 I shook my head sadly and went back inside. Through the window, I saw flashes of lighting illuminate the night sky, scaring a passing sparrow. A thunderclap reverberated through the house.


 That probably scared the sparrow too.

Lightning always strikes me twice.

I watched Ed take another mouthful of tea. He was a nice enough guy, and had been quick enough to praise the scone I offered him, baked by my mother - a habit she picked up in rehab. Meths is an awful thing. However, one thing always bothered me about Ed - he believed he was being persecuted by Zeus. His reasons for this varied according to the amount of tonic water Ed'd drunk and the weather conditions, but his most common retort was that the pair had fallen out over a $10 bill, or that Ed had sided with the Titans and attempted to free them from Tartarus. Whatever the reasons, Ed was adamant the Greek deity was out to get him. Suddenly, I realised I'd been inner monologuing while Ed talked again. I tried to catch up.
 "... pretending to sell double-glazing. Well, I saw through his ruse, and send him away. But, he smote my house with lightening! He's gone to far this time! What was the name of that God Marcus used to use when he got in trouble?"
 "Yahweh," I sighed, "But Gods don't work like that, you know. You can't just..."
 "Nah, it won't be a problem. I'll see if Marcus's guy can help me sort out Zeus."
I paused for a second. Frankly, this was a more ridiculous conversation that usual, and I had no idea where it was going. I decided to stop now. Bidding Ed a good day, I got my coat and left. I don't care if it's my house, he can have it. I'm going to Mars. This planet is far to stupid.