Award! Award! Award!

I'm living the dream! I got this award from the mysterious Homemaker Man over at Musings from the Big Pink. Not visited there before? Well, you should. Or I'll eat you.
 So, I gather what I'm meant to do is write seven things about me that I haven't written before, then pass the award on to some other unsuspecting mug. Here goes:

1. I'm not really fire retardant. Despite my claims of fireproofyness, I actually burn to death as easily as the next man.
2. I'm not a great writer. Sorry if you've just arrived here for the first time, seeking Wilde or Tolstoy. Often, I make up words like fireproofyness.
3. I would like to sing. But I can't. I'm not just saying that out of modesty, I have a terrible voice, and cannot carry a tune.
4. I'm pregnant. No, not really. That was a lie, and a pretty unimaginative one at that. I apologise.
5. I enjoy the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger's arms in films. But who doesn't enjoy a good point-and-stare session at Arnie's arm-melons on the silver screen?
6. I distrust the Spanish. I'm not racist, but I enjoy judging entire groups of people based on where they're from.
7. I don't like to answer the door or the phone, especially if I'm on my own. I meet too many weird men in public toilets, and I'm scared that they might mind out where I live.

 So now I pass this on, I think. I'll send it to Todd over at Iced Tea and Sarcasm. I hope this doesn't cause constipation. If you've not visited his blog before, why not? Make a day of it, bring me back a present.

 

Oh, and if you're a new reader who got here from one end of the award spectrum or the other, say hi. Stay a while, eat my food, make me uncomfortable on my own blog. Yum!

A COMPETITION!!! Because I was bored...

Yes, that's right folks: it's the first annual (maybe) Dog in the Water Pipe competition! Gather round, one and all, gather round!
 The rules are simple: I want you to write me a story featuring our dear friend Max. Hell, it doesn't need to be a story even - draw a picture, write a poem, make a short film demonstrating his quirkiness through expressive dance! Whatever... Then, after you've composed this masterpiece, post it on your blog! (Or tattoo it on a cow, I don't care) Explain what it's all about, and leave me a comment linking to said piece of artwork!
 So, Max can be doing whatever you want - maybe you've got a fictional character on your blog you want him to interact with, or an account of a holiday with your friends and family you want him to ruin. Hell, maybe you take pictures of bridges, and just want to crudely photoshop a stick-figure into one. Whatever, as long as you remember to make Max stick to his rigidly defined character! The best piece(s), as judged by me (and Max, of course) shall be declared THE WINNER!

Prizes: Apart from the FAME and GLORY you will surely gain, you will receive a handsome mention from me! And, a computer-drawn piece of artwork created specially to commemorate the occasion! It will, of course, be crap. But that isn't the point. There may even be runner-up prizes.
The Closing Date is a week tomorrow, the 10th of July!

So come on, enter now! Maybe you've ALREADY WON! (No, you haven't. Not yet...)

Disclaimer: This is not a real competition. I mean, I intent to do all the crap I mentioned above, but if I don't, you can't sue me. Your work remains your own property, and any subsequent republication will only be done with your permission. You know, in case I write about this day so our children may know of the glory we shared on the field of literature.