Award! Award! Award!

I'm living the dream! I got this award from the mysterious Homemaker Man over at Musings from the Big Pink. Not visited there before? Well, you should. Or I'll eat you.
 So, I gather what I'm meant to do is write seven things about me that I haven't written before, then pass the award on to some other unsuspecting mug. Here goes:

1. I'm not really fire retardant. Despite my claims of fireproofyness, I actually burn to death as easily as the next man.
2. I'm not a great writer. Sorry if you've just arrived here for the first time, seeking Wilde or Tolstoy. Often, I make up words like fireproofyness.
3. I would like to sing. But I can't. I'm not just saying that out of modesty, I have a terrible voice, and cannot carry a tune.
4. I'm pregnant. No, not really. That was a lie, and a pretty unimaginative one at that. I apologise.
5. I enjoy the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger's arms in films. But who doesn't enjoy a good point-and-stare session at Arnie's arm-melons on the silver screen?
6. I distrust the Spanish. I'm not racist, but I enjoy judging entire groups of people based on where they're from.
7. I don't like to answer the door or the phone, especially if I'm on my own. I meet too many weird men in public toilets, and I'm scared that they might mind out where I live.

 So now I pass this on, I think. I'll send it to Todd over at Iced Tea and Sarcasm. I hope this doesn't cause constipation. If you've not visited his blog before, why not? Make a day of it, bring me back a present.

 

Oh, and if you're a new reader who got here from one end of the award spectrum or the other, say hi. Stay a while, eat my food, make me uncomfortable on my own blog. Yum!

Outside, they grow ever closer

So yea, giant vegetables - mainly carrots - have risen from their patches, and are converging on my flat. Of course, this poses no real threat to me, as they have no arms or legs.
 Actually, that raises the question of how they're moving towards me. Which leads me neatly onto my next point: Lauren, over at Think Spin, bestowed a Happy 101 award on me. I don't know what any of this means, except there's no cash prize. However, even without a huge sack of money, I'm still pleased with this. So, why not pop over and check out her site, see who else she gave the award to, and such?
 If anyone else wants a mention, why not make up an award and present it to me? You don't have to put much work into it: Just fake a huge ceremony, and maybe get a little statue made up. And hire some celebrities. Or camels, wearing little suits. That would be just splendid.

Similarly, if you really want to curry favour with me, why not submit an essay under the title "Excluding Jacobitism, discuss the extent and reasons for popular protest in eighteenth-century Scotland." The deadline is next Sunday at midnight. The 2nd prize is a special certificate, which you have to make yourself at a certificate making shop.
 I have made a salad from the vegetables. I will not eat it, and it will go soggy and brown around the edges. the winning essay shall receive this salad, posted as slowly as possible to your home address.