Dinosaur Porn

I shouldn't be allowed on Wikipedia...

A brief interlude into the real world...

Since I made reference to it over on Weeding out the Idiots, I thought I would present you - my loyal readers - with some choice selections of the many things people have googled to find my blog. Some nice, normal people appear to have stumbled on it accidently while searching for Giant Jenga. I did a post on the subject some time ago, so that at least makes some sense. Here are some of the more unfortunate searches:

A tick-box.
Not really like a list at all...
Image via Wikipedia




• hating seagulls is like being racist or homophobic (A good start, wrote a post about that, makes sense.)
• water pipe in blogspot (Well, not too bad)
• hungry hungry hobos (Again, not awful. Did use that as a title for a post)

Then things get worse:

• 4D porn (Well, again, I did use that in a blog)
• 4D dog porn (Ah... Oh dear)
• Dog waterpipe porn (Hmm...)
• any combination of the words "dog" and "porn" with other words that you care to imagine.
• Lord of the Rings porn

Here are some phrases no-one used. They will now attract twisted, sick individuals:

•  Hobbit waterpipe gangbang
• Naked jam-covered dog
• Fecesbook
• midget hire
• mime buggering badgers
• Ben Tyson

This concludes my list-based post. As you can tell, it has been a rousing success. Even now, I can hear the townsfolk shouting up at by gilded bedroom, demanding more.
 "Give us statistics!" They yell.
 "Let them eat pie-charts" I reply from within my corset.

Why not suggest your own 'searches you'd like to see'? I'll republish them here, and I promise I won't tell your mum what they say.
 Some entries:

• hobbit humping dog pipe! (Homemaker Man)
• Dog getting piped in the water! (Homemaker Man)
• Lord of the Things (Homemaker Man)
• Araporn and the dog banging hobbits (Homemaker Man)
• Paul Blanchard wanker (Ben Tyson)
• dog on acid sex (Ben Tyson)
• I love the KKK (Ben Tyson)
• Hulk dog sex (Ben Tyson)
  

World's first 3D porn film

Cover via AmazonThough I'd just use a straightforward title. Really, there's not much to say about this. Well, not much mature to say anyway. Something about bouncing will probably follow... But anyway, back to the point... Produced in Hong Kong, "3D Sex & Zen: Extreme Ecstasy" is being touted as the world's first IMAX-3D erotic film.

The porn industry, damaged by the wide availability of free material on the Internet, is hoping that 3D movies will provide a way to climb to the top of the market, mount sales and ride a wave of profits that they hope will keep flowing for years to come. However, the film is somewhat removed from pizza-delivery or pool-boy classics. Instead, it is based on a classic Chinese work, "The Carnal Prayer Mat," an erotic text.

Sex and Zen looks to be just the first of many, as other major 3D sex flicks are now reportedly in the works. It is claimed that adult entertainment firm Hustler are creating a 3D film inspired by James Cameron's 3D hit, Avatar. Also, Italian director Tinto Brass plans to film a 3D version of his classic 1979 erotic film "Caligula".

Is 3D porn the way forward for the struggling industry? Certainly, every new experience is bound to receive an amount of interest, as naive 3D virgins flood to the cinemas to be titillated by the 3-dimensional images.  But what about the amature market? 3D video cameras are already for sale for under £200, threatening this new enterprise before it even begins. Surely it can't be long before... Oh, fuck it. I'm running out of things I can say in a sexual manner.
Penis.

All I can say is, I hope they won't be recycling the 3D glasses after showings. I don't want to end up wearing a pair of those when I go to see James Cameron's 15th new release of Avatar.

Related articles by Zemanta

• 3D porn first for Hong Kong film (independent.co.uk)
• Hong Kong film hopes to break new ground with 3-D porn (theglobeandmail.com)

"So, anyway"...

Max began. "I was on my way back from work, when..."
 It suddenly occurred to me that I had no idea what Max did for a living. When I first met him, he'd sold insurance against giant rat attacks, but I knew that he'd gone out of business soon after. Since then, he'd gone from one job to the next, as hilarious situations required. This time, however, I decided to bite the bullet and just ask what he did.
 "Oh." He replied, "You know Green Meadows? The retirement home?"
I nodded in the affirmative.
 "Well, I read erotic fiction to the old folks there."
I got up and left. It was my home, but I don't care. Behind me, I caught the occasional word. Words like fellatio, sponge-bath, reach-around, bran flakes and purple. Disturbing words. Sick words.
 Passing out my door, I tipped over my emergency petrol. With any luck, the place would burn, and take Max with it.

I've sprung a leak...

Fortunately, I'm not a boat, so I'm wasn't immediately worried. Still, to be on the safe side, I called a plumber to come and take a look.
 The doorbell rung, and I duly opened it. The plumber stood outside. Well, I assumed he was a plumber: He had tool-belt anyway, and a small moustache. He looked up as I opened the door:
 "Good morning madam," He began. "I hear your pipes need looking at..."
I sighed, and let the plumber in.
 "The leak's in my bedroom," I began unthinkingly. "Can you try and fix it?"
 "The bedroom? Yea, I'll see what I can do. Just show me your leak, and I'll see if I've got the tools for the job."
 I showed the plumber into my room, and wandered off to make some coffee. I returned, about 5 minutes later, to find the plumber sprawled naked on my bed. I looked at him in shock for a few moments, and he began to look sheepish. From my walls came the rush of water, and like a badly-formed sexual metaphor, the pipes broke, spurting water into the room. After a few minutes, I snorkeled the plumber and left him to work.
 In fact, it turns out he has no actual plumbing qualifications. As such, he drowned after a few minutes. Fortunately, I opened a window and the water flowed out, taking the dead plumber with it.
 What I should have done was get something fire-spewing to evaporate the water.
 Do you get fire-spewing plumbers? I'd like to think so, there's certainly a market for them...