When going on holiday...

Never give the shifty-looking man down the street a set of keys so he can check your mail.
Bastard stole my house. But, there amongst the mud and foundations, just where the path abruptly ends at what used to be my front door, he left a copy of Reader's Digest.

Does that still come out? They always annoyed me, but they did some good books on stuff. I think i have one on world history somewhere...

Crash!

The brick came through the window, knocking my lamp from the table, and skidded to a stop on my hearthrug. It was a nice brick, in rather good condition. I cleaned it up, throwing away a piece of paper some idiot had tied to it, and sold it on e-bay.
I haven't seen my wife in several days...

I'm listening.

Calum adjusted himself, settling into the couch, and took another look at the cards in his hand.
"Now Mr. Conway, it's rather simple. Just look at the cards, and tell me what the ink stains suggest to you" Dr. Conner said softly.
Calum took another look at the cards. No, it was no good. They still looked like a man stabbing another. Best to cage my bets, he thought.
"Erm, Louis Armstrong?" He offered, cautiously.

Superheroes

I think the world needs more Superheroes to deal with the problems of increased violent crime, terrorism, drugs and people who phone up to sell you stuff you don't want. To this end, i plan to start a society of superheroes, feel free to sign up. Here are some ideas:

Elderly man - an old man who fights crime by moaning at it about stuff, and hitting criminals with a stick.
Pros: The stick often catches criminals unaware. Cons: Bladder weakness, tends to get stolen.

Flash Photography Boy - using a the flash on a camera, he not only blinds criminals, but gets evidence of them committing their criminal acts.
Pros: Blinding opponents is actually rather practical. Cons: It's a pretty shit idea really.

The Bad Father - uses fighting crime as an excuse to not visit his son and for forgetting his girlfriend Julie's Birthday.
Pros: Has experience escaping from difficult situations. Cons: Commitment.

Miss Obvious - states the obvious until criminals get pissed off and leave.
Pros: Isn't it obvious? Cons: The criminals might just assault/kill/eat him instead of leaving, bloody annoying

Mr. President man - is generally an idiot, and invariably makes situations of international tension worse.
Pros: Hilarious grammatical mistakes. Cons: Everything else.

Ouch...

I got cramp, then I hurt my toe. Life's pretty shit, but it could be worse:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78XrI_2bPVA

Cow Kites

Are real. It's pretty easy, all you need to do it get the cow running before you start running.

Yes, i stole that from family guy, Ben told me to. But wouldn't it be great if you could get real animals to fly by attaching string to them?

Welcome!

Do come in! Take of that coat and sit yourself down by the fire! There we go, comfy?
I know, i'll get you a drink! Is it good? Drink it all up... go on, I've got plenty.

Ha! You fool, that wasn't a delicious cocktail, that was my blood! Now you're my slave, for ever! Moo ha ha ha!

What, you have to leave? Oh, ok.

.........................................................

Why does no-one ever visit me?

The stall...

Was pretty shit, by all standards. It consisted of a table of some sort, covered with the Union flag. Behind the stall, another Union flag was pinned to the wall. An angry, overweight skinhead was shouting angrily from behind the stall and handing out fliers, which people politely glanced at and more politely binned. God bless the BNP.
He saw me, and similarly saw through my disguise as a standard-built white man, realizing at once that I was a black, gay Muslim.
"Hey, you!" He yelled, "You're scum! Go home!"
I take offence to this. So what, i killed a few prostitutes, that doesn't make me scum. And i was going home anyway.

Alcohol is not a substitute for food.

That is all.

My novel

As you may know, I'm writing a novel. It does not, at present, feature any gypsies, but that isn't the topic at hand. So far, it stands at nearly 9,000 words. When finished -in 50 or so years - it will feature wit, cynicism, anger, ancient conspiracies, drunken shaving and chocolate chips. However, at the moment it consists of the word "Bin-liner" copied loads of times.
I don't intend on selling this magnificent work of literature. Instead, I intend to have many copies printed out, and then I'll build a fort out of them.