My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?
He doesn't, he hasn't got a nose. What a stupid question.
He has got fleas though.

Oh Dear.

My plans to bring peace to the Middle East have failed. Even Tony Blair is doing a better job than me. Oh well, maybe I'll have more luck getting the BNP and Polish immigrants to get on... Nah.

Growing up is harsh.

All in all, Joseph wasn't the best father to me. I remember, for instance, sitting in the living room on my 7th birthday, waiting for him to come home; hoping that he would bring me a present. Of course, he never came.
In later life, i came to forgive him for these failings. Joseph Stalin wasn't my real father, and he had died in 1953. Still, a card would have been nice.

I saw this headline on a magazine, and promtly took a picture of it. I often wonder how Barry's penis ended up there, and how no-one didn't notice it had gone missing.
However, i didn't want to be seen reading the magazine, so i never found out and am still troubled by the issue today.
If there's a moral to this story, it's that you shouldn't not do something because you're worried the staff of a Co-op you'll probably never visit again will think you're a pervert.

It turns out...

I'm not in love, I just have an inner ear infection.

Coatboy Verus The Chicken

"Ha ha ha ha ha!"

I looked around... where was I?
Of course, the last thing i remembered was being bundled into the back of a jeep by two Fez wearing Germans.
"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Again, that evil, diabolical laugh... I recognized it... No, it couldn't be...

But it was! Emerging from the shadows and taking his place near the table i was chained to appeared my arch nemesis!

Immaculately dressed as always, The Chicken - the most evil poultry super-villain in existence - hopped onto a stool and observed me through his small, beady eyes.

"But how?" I asked. "The last time i saw you, you were locked in the Chicken-coop of eternity, lost in the great Layer's wars."

"yes!" he replied. "But i escaped! Eventually, even the best farmer-guard leaves the hatch open!"

The back-story to my relationship with The Chicken is rather interesting, but this isn't the time for it.

This is the front of an Innocent smoothie. The peach-based character bares a startling resemblance to Mr. Ellis, my English teacher for part of my 5th year. However, he never had a Halo.
He wasn't a peach either.

When i was a small child...

I would often brush my teeth, then drink apple juice. I could never understand why it tasted so strange. As an adult, I now realise it's a Government conspiricy.
The orange juice people are in on it too.

Pie?

The doorbell rang, it's metallic chime signalling to all the world - that chose to inhabit my dining room - that someone was at the door. Of course, i regretted buying the bloody thing now.

When i felt that the man at the door - definitely a man, for i had taken a sneaky glance at him out of the kitchen window - was growing bored, i opened the door flamboyantly, and welcomed him like an old friend.
" Ah, good day Sir," he started "May i interest you in an exciting, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?
"But how rude of me! Joshua Johnson, of Johnson and McKay?"
I didn't understand the question, but i nodded politely. He continued:
"Now, how would you like to have all the windows in your house replaced... absolutely free!"
I told him i would like this very much. After all, who wouldn't?
"Great," he continued, "Then we can do the next best thing! We can replace all of your windows... for only £2,000 - £3,000, following a thorough evaluation!"
I showed him into the kitchen and offered him a seat at the table, where he proceeded to produce the relevant paperwork. While he did this, i cut up my freshly baked cherry pie, and offered him a slice. As he ate it, i slipped away, under the guise of fetching a pen.
I locked myself in the bathroom and called the police. No-one touches my pie!

Love

Love is, at best, an abstract idea, and rather hard to describe. However, to the right is a visualization of the whole thing.
Love is, as we imagine, a crudely drawn cardboard box, while the jumble of related feelings are represented by the white background. Click on the box to watch as young Henry falls, tragically, out of love.

Much like the real thing, visual representations of love don't have to make sense.
Nor need they be well created.