I have become increasing paranoid of late...

and have began seeing potential murderers everywhere. However, I have taken some factors into account: News reports always suggest that murderers are the "last person you'd expect". Often, television programmes reinforce this belief, as do films and novels. Or it could be the butler. Thus, I have locked myself in a butler-free high-security prison. They're so obviously murderers that there's no possible way I could be hurt. Anyhow, got to go. Shower time...

Coal. Image via Wikipedia In my more insane moments, I entertain a paranoid fantasy that Al-Qaeda are out to get me. I know that the notion is insane - I have no intention of joining a Christian-Jewish conspiracy to destroy Islam. Singling me out specially would seem to be a huge waste of resources on their part, I know, but this does not help dispel the worry.
During my last episode, I became convinced that Al-Qaeda operatives were in place outside my house. I barricaded the doors, and promptly built myself a coal shelter to hide in. However, the extensive subterranean work required to build my coal bunker took several months, and severely weakened the structural integrity of my house. By the time I had finished working on the coal bunker, my fear had passed. I filled the bunker with coal, and got on with my life.
My house has now collapsed into the gaping crevasse that previously housed my coal. The men who inspected it say there was no sign of terrorist activities: Instead, they blame me for digging underneath the foundations.
I know better though. I think they're in on the conspiracy. I think everyone is.
Fortunately, I'm feeling a lot less paranoid these days.