Children in adult clothing are creepy

A small ripple spread across the surface of the oasis in front of me. I was perched on a rock though, so it didn't worry me. After a second, more rippled began to spread from near the surface of the small pond I'd found sustenance in. A few bubbles rose as well, as if something was coming to the surface.
 I straightened an imaginary tie. Of course, I was not wearing a tie, I was in the desert. No-one wears ties in the desert. I was actually naked. Not in a gratuitous sense, I'd just stripped down and washed myself from the oasis. Actually, I decided it would be best not to mention that to whatever emerged, seeing how I'd just soaked my genitalia in its home.

 After a few seconds, a small child - maybe 3 or 4 - emerged from the middle of the oasis and walked to the shore. He WAS wearing a tie, and a small adorable suit. The water ran down his body, dripping into the sand, his body drying instantly, his suit unblemished. He approached me, and I quickly moved a rock to cover my shame. I know the situation is completely innocent, but it would probably be best to not be found alone, naked and with a child.

 The child reached the nearest rock to me, and regarded me thoughtfully.
 "You're naked." He remarked scornfully.
 "I was hot, needed to cool down." I replied abashed. Then, regaining my metaphorical balance, "Anyway, what business is it of yours?"
 "Do you think we should be naked naturally?" He demanded I answer
 "Well, yes. Naturally. I mean, clothes have many adva...." But he cut me off.
 "I mean, does God want us to be naked? If God wanted us to be naked, would we be born dressed?"
 "What?" I replied, confused.
 "Look at my suit. Do you think this comes from a shop? The result of a cash transfer? No! I was born wearing this, and only remove it in the privacy of my laundry room, where I instantly change into another suit while the first one washes."
 I looked at him. This was stupid. Still, I needed to know:
 "Were you born with a spare suit?"
 "No! How dare you! Those born with a second suit are an abomination to the Lord!" He yelled.
 "Then where did you get it?" I asked.
 "Oh, I bought it." He replied. "Now, why not give this a read?"
He passed me a small pile of pamphlets, before turning on his heels and walking back into the oasis. I watched him go, before casually flicking through the literature. It showed a lot of babies wearing suits. Some of them even had little bowler hats.

 The sun began to set, and I dressed again. After a while, I burned the literature for warmth. Then I crawled under some rocks and tried to get some sleep.

Sand, tears and melodrama

Some sand. Image via WikipediaThe desert stretched out in front of me like a big desert, spreading from horizon to horizon like Lawrence of Arabia. Or a big desert. Sand, filling the area like a bathtub fills with sand, stretched across this aforementioned area. I'd wandered from the road. Where I was going, we didn't need roads.
 Still, I'd noticed some tracks heading off into the distance about 3 hours ago. Having no sense of direction, nor natural compass, I decided to follow them, falling step after step into pace with the ghost of my predecessor. As I walked, I began to study the tracks. They were... strange, to say the least. Long, sideways strokes that I'd at first taken to be snake, and also large paw-claw prints. You know, feet shaped like claws, but more padded and cuddly? But still not quite paws. Those kind of footsteps, intermixed.

So that was 3 hours ago. Now, after that time, I noticed something in the distance. A spec at first, as all things are when first conceived, growing into a blob of uncertainty as I approached. I drew nearer, still unable to understand the scene ahead. If I had know what tragedy lay in front of me, on that lukewarm desert, I would probably have turned back. Or maybe not - as I say, I have no sense of direction.

 The scene unfolded in front of me like a pop-up book of tragic proportions. This wasn't one for the kids, unless of course, you hate your kids. Two figures were ahead of me, animals flat in bestial movements. The Octopus, long and red and squidgy, lay prone on the ground. His eyes were glazed like solid ice, a substance he would surely have greeted gladly some time ago. His stare looked upwards, asking the Gods themselves, "why?".
 I looked into the eyes of his companion, and saw that no reassuring answer was forthcoming from the heartless azure that stretched above us. These eyes were fluid, melted ice that filled the wells and traced a path down the face of the Armadillo. She looked up to me, her tears still spilling and pooling on her companion's otherwise drenchless body.
 "What happened?" I asked.
She looked at me, her eyes -as I have mentioned - filled to the brim.
 "My parents told me it would never work. They were old fashioned like that."
 I nodded. I didn't know what was going on here, but this didn't seem the time to bring that up. Best just to let her talk.
 " 'Marry one of THEM?', they said. Back home, they don't like us inbreedin' with Octopus."
 I nodded. It was all I could really do.
 "So we runs off, Olly and me. Heads for America, got an aunt out there. Of course, the desert ain't for Olly. But he didn't say, never did like to complain. And now look at him! Look at him!"
 I looked at the dead Octopus. Secretly, I was impressed he'd made it this far. Resisting the temptation to fry him, I patted the Armadillo on the back and began to walk on.

The desert goes on for miles. Otherwise, it would just be a sandpit of a little beach without any water. Up high, we all look like ants. Desert ants. From the clouds, the Gods watch as one ant walks on. Behind him, there's a figure - could be two ants, could just be one really fat ant. After a while, a pool of salty tears forms. Eventually, a lake spreads out and drowns the two ants. The years go on, and life begins anew, trees spout by the lake, grass grows. Eventually, helicopter, pilot blinded by a reflection from the lake's surface, crashes into the pool. The oil leaks out, destroying the Oasis. But the Gods watch on, impassive. All live has it's place, and what can an ant do but play his role?

 Probably not run off with a Octopus into the fucking desert, I suppose.

Happy new year...

Well, it's a new year again. Instead of some tacky chart showing all the merry, happy things that happened to me last year (there were none), I thought I'd give you a timeline of the history of your brilliant species, humanity. Or something.

• 4,000 B.C - God creates the earth, heavens,space and dinosaur bones. This comes as a great shock to the advanced people of Mesopotamia. God also creates the first two human beings, not to be confused with the 7 million who are already alive. 
• 0 - Jesus is(n't) born (yet). He spreads a message of peace and love, before being crucified. In a typical religious manner, his simple lessons of love are interpreted as directions for 2,000 years of genocide. The same can be said for the works of John Lennon.
• 1889 - Hitler is born. He will forever be remembered for sparking an interest in the WW2 sub-genre of films, novels and computer games.
• 1957 - Stephen Fry is born. He is often looked upon more favourably than Hitler, but had yet to be played by Charlie Chaplin in a film.
• 1979 - Earth is ravaged by the Apocalypse. It goes largely unnoticed
• 1990 - I am born. I accomplish mild fame in the field of romantic fiction for bears, before dying in obscurity on a lunar prison colony.
• 2042 - Due to a transporter accident, Stephen Fry's cryogenically-frozen body is transported back in time, to the early 20th century. His adventure is popularised in a film starring Charlie Chaplin.
• 2151 - Earth is all but destroyed by a Martian invasion. This blog, and several cookbooks offering conflicting nutritional information, survive. They are used as an inspiration for the 10,000 survivors of Earth as they rebuild the species near Shropshire.