my neighbour's sex-shorts.

Often, late at night, I'm awoken by the sounds of my upstairs neighbours engaging in carnal activities. As a liberal and a nihilist, I feel it would be improper to judge the sexual relations of others, especially a married couple, but have decided that one is justified to complain when:
A. One member of the relationship, specifically whomever is on top most, is of the larger variety.
B. When they bed directly above you, and said bed is old and creaky.
And, most importantly of all:
C. When the neighbours have created sex shorts.

What, gentle reader, are sex shorts? Well, sex shorts, should they exist, are shorts (Yes, really). Unsurprisingly, sex shorts are worn during sexual intercourse - and, possibly (I don't know, they're probably not real) during foreplay. Anyway, what makes sex shorts special is that they let you have sex while wearing shorts (Always a bonus, especially when one is self-conscious about one's nether-regions. ) and, have pockets which can be filled with loud things, such as loose change and firecrackers. Yes, Sex-Shorts are the future for any middle-aged couple who feel their sexual relationship isn't loud and annoying enough.

If my neighbours are reading this, then please note I'm obviously talking about some other neighbours I had...