Counting down the days...

I took another sip from the drink. Blood didn't agree with me, but it had seemed rude to complain. The sad figure hunched opposite me tipped up his hipflask, more whisky flooded into his sanguine, and he drank.
 "And, boyo, you'd never catch me sparkling like that in the sunlight!"
 It had shocked me a little to find out The Count was secretly Welsh. I mean, his apparent alcoholism wasn't that surprising. The whole number thing had suggested an addictive personality to me anyway. But this was a new low. Why did he have to be like this every time he didn't get a part in a film?
 "3 movies now! 1! 2! 3! AH AH AH AH AH!"
I'd pointed out that I could count to 3 easily. At least 3 times. 1! 2! 3! But the evening had continued well into the night. My once well-stocked alcohol cabinet had not, however, lasted that long.
 "And water! I melt in water! Count that!"
I declined to count the world's water supply. It was a stupid idea. The Count, drunkenly, had began to stagger around my house, singing Land of My Fathers badly and poking my possessions in a misjudged attempt to count. This was ridiculous. At least this time, the count was clearly more suited for the role he'd missed out on - he'd visited a few years ago, complaining Christian Bale had stolen the role of Batman from him. I'd tried to explain that the role had not been available only to Welshmen. The Count, arguing it was, tried to claim argue Bale had dressed as a vampire to imitate him, and thus steal the role. I didn't even bother to argue with that point any more. But now, this was different. The count was ideal to be in the Twilight sage. His repeat visits to me had certainly proved he was annoying enough.
 In the distance, I could hear the count attempting to count the tiles in my kitchen. Breaking a chair-leg over my knee, I headed for the kitchen myself.
Good thing I stocked up on feather dusters recently...

Several remakes of classic movies I'm currently working on

Snakes on a Bus:
A tense thriller in which a British secret service agent must defend the Queen of England when a picnic-hamper of poisonous snakes are let loose on the Double Decker bus she is travelling on.

Conan The Barbarian; New Beginnings:
Following the introduction of several adult learning facilities in Cimmeria, Conan begins studying for a degree in business and fashion so he can achieve his dream of opening a shoe outlet. Watch the trials and tribulations as Conan attempts to master the use of words and numbers to solve problems! Laugh as he cuts off the head of the obnoxious student living next door to him, and share in his joy as he successfully buys a lamp!

Casablanca:
Set in a remote Scottish Village during the Winter of 2007, this film sees a man choose between the woman he loves and the television. No kilts feature, nor is there any resemblance to the original film.

High Tea of the Dead:
Someone finally asks why the zombies are so intent on eating brains. Stumped, the zombies apologise for their boorish behaviour, attributing it to low self-esteem caused by their bodies decaying. The two factions are reconciled, and families are reunited with their deceased loved ones.

I'll show them one day...

I invested £50,000 in copies of Guy Ritchie's Swept Away in 2002, to the general criticisms of my friends and family. Of course, the film was a total failure, and i was declared bankrupt the following year. My friends no longer speak to me, and my family only send me obligatary Birthday and Christmas cards.
However, imagine how stupid they would have felt if I'd made a fortune!