Someone's trying to send me a message.

At first, I thought it was was Raiden making another of his desperate attempts to befriend me - he's been hanging around a lot, telling me about things he sees in the park - and when I awoke to find Max's severed head in the bed next to me, I thought he was trying to win me over with kindness. (Don't worry, I've sewn Max's head back onto his body, he's fine now)

 Then, yesterday, a Mafia Don arrived at my house and demanded I cast his nephew in my new film. I tried to explain I didn't make films, and also - through a complex series of events that required much genealogical enterprise on my behalf - explain to the Don he had no nephew. But in the end, I had no luck in either endeavour.

 In a beautiful voice, one of the Mafia goons began to sing in Italian. The moving, dramatic score provided the perfect background music for the other two henchmen, who set fire to my living room.

 Beside me, in a flash of lightening, Raiden appeared.

 "Help! Fire!" I yelled enthusiastically at him.

 "Oh." He sulked. "You barely talk to me, but now you need something.... Well, I'll see what I can do."

 In Raiden's defence, of course, he didn't have mastery over rain or water or anything. But after the first few attempts, it should have become evident to him that lightening was not the solution to my problem. Huge bolts of the stuff flew from the sky, immolating my already smouldering shrubbery and destroying my carefully arranged garden Scrabble board. The roof of my house gave way under the combined forces of fire and a different fire, caused by lightening, which was to all effects and purposes identical to the first fire.

 I sighed, and went into the garage. I'd lost everything, especially the beehive that had been growing ever larger under my gutters. Those bees were meant to sustain me through old age, providing flying nourishment and sexual gratification...

 Oh well, this isn't real life. Don't cry for me, I'm already fictional.

The rain falls hard on a humdrum town

Keithe, a plumber.
Image via MK Wiki

.

 This town has dragged you down. Oh, the rain... Well, you get the point. Outside, rain fell from the skies, as is customary in such occasions, cutting the air open and bombarding my azaleas. A woodpecker, bedazzled by nature in all her finery, staggered through the air and rounded the corner of my house. Man versus nature is an old tale; an unwinnable battle that neither of us can win. Except  me. I've written an advert, you see.

 Actually, you probably don't see. That's fair enough; after all, I was talking in a somewhat cryptic fashion. Forgive me please, dear reader. I have appealed, you must understand, for an intervention. I've called for a deity to help me against the weather. Through the classified ads in my local paper.


The doorbell rang. You're probably shocked, loyal readers, that it didn't ring at the start of this tale. That's what usually happens around here. I answered, it would be rude not to.


 There was a man on the doorstep. There always is. 7 foot tall, pale and dressed in white robes with blue vest and cape. A coolie hat sat upon his head, the brow hanging above his glowing, blue eyes.


 "Hey, I'm Keith. I'm here about your water problem." he stated matter-of-factly


 "Keith? You're Raiden, aren't you? From Mortal Kombat? You're Raiden the Thunder God."


 "Nah, you must be thinking of someone else." He replied. "Keith, Keith McGregor. I'm a plumber"


 "Ok then, how'll you stop the rain then? If you're just a plumber, and not a thunder god?"


 "Ah, you've got me there!" Raiden replied. "I'm actually Raiden, from the Mortal Kombat series."


 "Yea," I replied. "I said that earlier. Now would you please stop the rain?"


 "Nah, can't do that mate." He replied. "I can just do lightning-based things. I can teleport too. Want to go and get some pizza or something?"


 I shook my head sadly and went back inside. Through the window, I saw flashes of lighting illuminate the night sky, scaring a passing sparrow. A thunderclap reverberated through the house.


 That probably scared the sparrow too.